Existentialist Conversations
by DireSphinx
Summary: Well...this has never happened before.
1. First Encounter

Okay, it's been one year and a day since I posted my first piece of fanfiction. Woo hoo! So to celebrate, I'm posting this little bit of crack. It's very much inspired by The Great Good Thing I've recently read, where the characters of a story are aware they are part of a story, and end up talking to the Reader. Which got me thinking...what would I do if DC/MK characters suddenly started talking to me? You should probably run right now. This can't end well.

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito belong to their respective authors, who are one and the same, and most unfortunately, not me. Unless I can convince the Witness Exchange Program to let me change my name to Gosho Aoyama. But first things first. Have to do something to get into the Witness Protection Program. Hmmm...this could be tricky...

* * *

"Why do you make fun of my fear of fish?"

_Huh?_ Looking around from her comfy perch on one of the three couches in their cluttered living room, DireSphinx tried to locate the owner of the voice. Seeing no one in the kitchen and hearing only her roommate's TV blaring from upstairs, she shrugged and kept typing. Must have been her imagination...

"I mean really, fish? Why is it that everyone and their mother picks on my phobia of fish? Is that my only redeeming quality?"

"Okay, where's that coming from?" DireSphinx asked out to the room. "I'm not hearing voices again am I?" Though it wouldn't surprise her to find Bridgette messing with her mind.

...but wait, fish? Who does she know with ichtyophobia?

"Yo, over here, big virtual screen in front of you. Yoo hoo! See me yet?"

Apparently she shouldn't have drunken that last glass of orange juice. She could swear that there was Kaitou Kid on her laptop screen, waving his hand distressedly in front of her. Or as near as in front of her as he could get, what with the size of her screen. What sorts of chemicals are they putting in beverages these days? Because there's no way he could be real.

Perhaps he's a pop-up ad? All be it, a very strange pop-up ad, with impeccable timing...

But no, she hasn't opened up Firefox yet. Can ads come up without an open web browser?

Is this some new virus? Some warped version of conflicker? _I knew I should have run a virus-scan last night! _ Granted, it's a very entertaining virus, but what does it do? _He's not going to steal all the information off my hard drive is he? I haven't even saved any of my documents on my flash drives! Well, except for my Spurned Woman poetry, but that was the only way to bring it back from Japan._

"Hey, I resent that!"

"Resent what?" Oh Lord, now she's speaking to the figment in her laptop.

"Being called a virus! Because I'm not. I'm Kaitou Kid!"

_And it reads minds too...!_

"No, no, I'm not a mind reader."

"!!!!!!!"

"Okay, bad example. I'm usually not a mind reader. You're just gullible."

"Am not!" Not even hallucinations get to call her gullible!

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!" ...Wait a minute, was she really having an 'am not, are too' argument with the ghost in her machine? In the living room where any of her roommates could come in and catch her in the act?

"Are too!"

"Am not!" Yes, yes she was. Alright, if anyone asks, she's on Skype. That's her story and she's sticking too it!

"Are too!"

"Am...argh! I am not having this argument with you!"

"You're just mad because I'm right."

_No you're not! Yes he is. No! I will not have this argument again!_ "Do you want me to turn off my laptop? Because I will if you don't stop right this instant."

"Okay, jeeze, you're worse than Aoko. And you're not even wearing a skirt that I can flip."

"You're in my computer, probably some new marriage of spam and youtube - how could you flip my skirt? And you can see what I'm wearing?!?" Okay, no more checking emails in her bra.

He smirked up at me. "Nothing's impossible for the Kaitou Kid."

_Don't I know it. I wrote that line myself._ "Well then, Mr. Impossible, what are you doing in my laptop?"

"DireSphinx, we need to have a chat."

_Oooh, he knows my penname! Down fangirl! Ignore the butterflies in your stomach!_ Noticing the tense set of his shoulders, she warily replies, "About what?"

_Okay, what have I done to him lately? What was the last thing I posted?_

_...Oh._

"Is this about the omake?"

He seems confused. "What omake?"

_Now that's just mean._ "The omake in my crab!Heiji fic. The one where I replace Heiji with you as Sebastian for The Little Mermaid play. The omake I wrote _less than a week _ago. That omake?"

"No...not really...maybe, kinda....but that's not the main issue."

"It can't be about the ABC fics I've been working on. I've done nothing to you except create dramatic tension and given you an excuse to stick Aoko in fuzzy pink handcuffs. Did you not like the fuzzy pink handcuffs?"

"NO! Those were wonderful, absolutely amazing! We plan to play with them later on tonight! It's a different matter entirely!"

"Then what have I done wrong? You like the handcuffs, I haven't killed you, I only slightly made fun of your ichthyophobia, what else is left? *** **_Slap_** * **It's the Kiddie Kid, isn't it? You don't like Kiddie Kid."

"Bzzt! Wrong again! Kiddie Kid was great, one of the best pranks ever, something I'm insanely jealous that Heiji-kun thought up before me, but that's not it."

"Then what is it?!"

"Your shoe's untied."

DireSphinx glances down at her feet, looking at her pink socks. "But I'm not wearing any shoes."

The trademark Kid grin stretches from ear to ear. "Made you look." He disappears in a cloud of digital confetti.

"Argh! Come back here Kid!" Shrieking in frustration, she says the first words that pop into her head. "I wish the goblins would come and bring you tied up in leather to my living room right now!"

A door slams shut to her left. Whipping her head around, DireSphinx looks over to find her roommate Bridgette coming in with leftovers from Subway in her hands. She shrinks into the cushions. "You didn't hear that, did you?"

"I'm not even gonna ask."

"Okay." Kid's laugh comes out from her speakers. "I heard that Kid!"

Bridgette just makes a beeline for the stairs, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 Dollars. Just great. She glares at her Kaito and Aoko wallpaper. Damn thief. "I'll get you next time!"

"You and what army?"

Oooh, he's gonna wish he'd never said that. Pulling out her cellphone, she starts scrolling through her contacts list. Hmm, electrical engineering, theoretical physicist, mechanical, mechanical, computer science whiz kid, semi-pro hacker - ah, here we are. Computer God.

"Hey Alan, how would you track magicians in your machine?"

As Alan proceeded to detail the steps necessary to overhaul her hard drive, DireSphinx could have sworn she heard a whimper. But it must have been her imagination. Kaitou Kid, whimpering? _Never_.

She smirked into the warm glow. _Challenge me, Kaitou Kid? I accept. But there's one thing you forgot to include in your calculations. You never challenge an engineer. We've got nerdy friends, and we're not afraid to use them._

Time to defrag some Kaitous.


	2. Chocolate

This chapter goes out to Kirby-chan, since I promised her a story with no pink. No pink whatsoever. Not even a pink smoke bomb. And no references to video game characters that bear a passing resemblance to a Pepto-colored gumball. None at all. But if I keep going like this, I might not be able to help myself.

Disclaimer: Me no own Detective Conan. Wah!

P.S. The following story is technically true. Well, _mostly_ technically. Depends on your version of technically. And MinionRoboto is the name of my laptop.

...What? Like I'm the only person who's come up with a corny computer name? Sorry, not buying it.

* * *

Here it was, nine o'clock on a Friday night, and instead of reading fanfiction like she normally would, DireSphinx was stuck in gate A33 at the Cincinnati International Airport. She had been stuck at gate A23 up until an hour ago, but apparently the flight delay caused a gate change. She just wanted to get to Arizona – so what if there was a tornado warning in Houston? She needed to get to Tucson asap! The DBF competition demanded it! Can't she just get a different flight? Oh nooooo. The powers that be would much rather have her spend another five hours sitting on her butt in the terminal, with its overpriced drinks and candy begging to be eaten. _Eat me!_ screamed the chocolate. _Eat me! _ Oh, how she wanted to give in.

But not at those prices. _ Sigh... _

Might as well work on some fanfics.

Finding an open electrical socket in gate A27, (the only open sockets just had to be in the empty gates a good two hundred feet away) DireSphinx plugged in her laptop. After waiting the requisite ten minutes for her computer applications to load, she scrolls over to her OpenOffice icon. But before she can double-click, a white gloved hand drags the pointer away. DireSphinx tries to scroll her arrow back. The hand lobs it into the recycle bin. She glares at the hand.

"Kid, what are you doing in my laptop? I thought I got rid of you."

"You did." He jumps out in a spray of confetti, which litters the background. That'll be a pain to clean. He wipes the confetti from his shoulders. "You got rid of the original Kaitou Kid. I'm the new and improved Version 2.0."

"Version 2.0?" _Can there be such a thing? But wait, he is a manga character. The laws of physics need not apply to manga._

"Yep! I'm smarter, faster, tougher, and more handsome than the original Version but with all the cockiness and ego you know and love. But unlike Version 1.0, I come equipped with Vengeance Mode! Prepare for your defragment, foul piece of machinery! I shall have my revenge! And there's nothing you can do to stop me! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

_Sigh._ "Alan warned me that something like this could happen. MinionRoboto, implement program Kidproof."

Darts fly out from the screen in every direction at Kid. He might be quite the little acrobat, but Kid can't dodge a 360° angle of attack. One sinks into his neck. "What the hell is this?"

"My new anti-kaitou firewall. Whenever a manga character pops up on my screen, my laptop identifies the intruder and renders them defenseless. You should be proud. I had Alan name it after you."

He plucks the tiny white dart from his neck and examines the tsking jokers decorating the sides. "Cute design. But what does this dart do?"

"Weren't you listening? I said it identifies all intruders and renders them defenseless."

Kid looks himself up and down and pulls out his card gun. "It seems your little program didn't work. I'm certainly not defenseless." An ace flies out and hits the right edge of the screen. He smirks. "I can still wreck havoc with your hard drive."

"Ah, but that would cause your collar to self-destruct."

"Collar?" He runs his hands along his neck, where a leather choker has been fasted above his scarlet necktie. "When the hell did this get here?"

"When you were knocked out by the tranq dart."

"I don't remember being knocked out!"

"Well duh, you were knocked out. You wouldn't remember it. What's with you today? Usually you're more on the uptake. Did someone hit you upside the head again?"

"Noooooo..." Kaitou sulkily replies while rubbing a spot under his top hat.

_Sure, like I'll believe that. Aoko must have gotten him gooooooood._

"She did not hit me!"

_Oh yeah, the mind-reading thing. Shouldn't forget that. _"MinionRoboto, implement program Tinfoil Hat." _Ha! Now you can't read my mind!_

"Tinfoil Hat?"

"It works in all the movies."

"Touche." Kid tugs at his choker. "So what do you mean by self-destruct? Does it make me turn purple or something?"

I do a little smirking of my own. "Nope, I'm afraid there's no purpleification. Ever read any novels by Koushun Takami?"

"Not that I can think of off the top of my head. Why?"

"Oh, no reason."

Kid gives me a look. Within two snaps of his fingers, he's popped open a Linux browser and is typing in Koushun Takami into the google search engine.

DireSphinx stares. _How the hell can he get the internet on my computer? What about the six dollar connection fee? He'd better not have charged that to my credit card. And when did I get Linux? ...ALAAAANNNN..._

While she's pondering Kid's bypassment of airport fees, google finishes running its search. A picture list of novels appears before the Kaitou Kid. One particular novel in red and black takes center stage. Kid's face turns pale.

"BATTLE ROYALE!?! You stuck me with a collar from Battle Royale?!?"

"Yep."

"Why? This thing could kill me! Blow my brains out! End my thieving life forever! For the love of kami-sama, why?"

"Because I'm evil and sadistic and I've always wanted to try this on someone."

_I've shocked him into speechlessness. Wow, I think that's a first. _DireSphinx waves her hand in front of her screen at the frozen thief. "Yoohoo, you okay?"

That breaks him out of his trance. "What kind of writer are you!?!"

"An evil and sadistic one," she says with a smile.

Kid slowly edges for screen right. The terror in his eyes is plainly seen behind the monocle, and DireSphinx can't say she blames him for his fright. t..._If I were stuck in one of those collars, I'd be going nuts. Good thing he's not wearing a real exploding collar. But he doesn't have to know that._

She swallows a chuckle. _Evil and sadistic? Oh yes..._

Fed up with his snail-like pace, Kid makes a break for the edge. (_Run, run, run as fast as you can, you'll never escape the laptop of DireSphinx-chan!) _But instead of racing past the black border, Kaitou Kid reaches out with both arms and pulls. Two sharp tugs later, Hattori Heiji flies onto the screen. Rubbing the sore spot where his body crashed against the bottom border, Heiji turns on the grinning thief. "Yo Kid, what's the big idea? Why'd you drag me here of all places?"

His grin turns into a smirk stretching from ear to ear. "MinionRoboto," Kid breaks out in a perfect imitation of my voice. "Implement Program Kidproof." Darts come shooting across the screen in Heiji's direction.

"Wha-?" Heiji's out before he can blink.

_...Oops. Okay, next time be more specific. _DireSphinx turns on the cocky thief. "Hey, that's not fair!"

"Nope, sure isn't. But that's the way it is. I figure you can't kill off the two of us."

"Kill? Whaddaya mean, kill!?!" _That dart wore off fast. Must be his hot-headedness._

"Oh look, Heiji's awake." Kid happily supplies. If his grin could get any wider, it would need its own area code.

Heiji glares at the masked magician with the full fury of the frozen tundra. Icicles start to form upon the screen. _Umm, I'm no leet haxor or anything, but that can't be good. I'm sorry Minion-kun, but there's nothing I can do. Forgive me!_ His biting words hang suspended on the chilly monitor.

"Kid, what did you _**do**_?"

Kid shivers under the pile of snow raining down on his person. Unfortunately, his smirk has yet to disappear. "I just brought you here to act as my collateral. See, DireSphinx-san here has in her possession a computer program capable of keeping me from corrupting her hard drives and generally creating utter chaos."

Heiji raises an appreciative eyebrow in my direction. "Smart girl."

Kaitou nods his head. "True. There's just one problem. If I don't behave, I die."

"Ouch. Sucks to be you."

"Don't you mean 'us'? Because unless I need to get my monocle examined, it seems to me you're also wearing one of these horrid little death traps."

"Death traps?"

"Familiar with Battle Royale?"

"...Oh _shit_..."

Dark-skinned hands clutch at a leather collar. "Why did you have to drag me into this?"

"I figure if I bring you here and subject you to the same torture I'll be forced to undergo if I don't behave, she won't have it in her itty bitty black heart to kill us both. And if not, well..." He shrugs.

"...well? What's this well?" Heiji grabs Kid by his lapels. The blaze of his anger is slowly thawing out the ice storm. Thank goodness.

"Well, it's...well...well...you want the real answer or the BS one?"

"The truth please."

"...if I die you're going with me..?"

Silence.

"_...What!_"

_What? _"You'd kill Heiji?" _My Heiji-kun? _"You bastard!"

"I prefer to be called kaitou, but whatever floats your boat."

Heiji looks at Kaitou like he's mad, (the jury's still out on that one) and turns his imploring gaze on DireSphinx. "Why do I have to wear one of these collars? Couldn't you just take it off me?"

"Hey, that's cheating! No fair asking for deferential treatment!"

"Shut up! You're just mad I thought it up first."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Ha! See, I'm right!"

"Argh! Die by scarfy death!" Kaitou launches a multitude of linked scarves at the Osakajin. Heiji attempts to bat them away, but soon finds himself buried under a pile of multi-colored silks. Muffled cursing soon issues forth.

"Kid, was that really necessary?"

"Was it _not_ necessary?"

DireSphinx sighs. _I'm doing a lot of that today. _Dragging the cursing mound to the recycle bin, she drops the burden into the trash can icon.

"You're gonna delete Heiji?" Kid asks in mock falsetto horror. An unholy grin stretches from ear to ear. "Can I help?"

"_No_." Opening the recycle bin, she drags the Heiji icon back onto the desktop. He burst onto the screen with a beep looking relieved. Then DireSphinx drags Heiji's shirt back into the recycle bin and clicks delete. _Oooooh...pretty..._

Heiji eeps and attempts to cover his chiseled chest with his baseball cap. Embarrassed outrage mars his handsome features. "Why'd you delete my shirt?"

"Because I can." _And the view's so much nicer without it. _Kaitou snickers. "You want me to take away the hat and monocle?" He blanches. Heiji perks up. All upset at the loss of his shirt is wiped away. _ADD much? Reminds me of one of my favorite T-shirt slogans. 'People say I'm ADD but they just don't unde – ooh look! A chicken!' _

"Can we really?" Heiji's question bursts through DireSphinx's thought processes. Taking a moment to recall her previous words, she glances at Kaitou Kid who's doing a fair imitation of a tree, leaves and all.

_So we're resorting to the tree maneuver? How the mighty have fallen. _She smirks. "I might, if he doesn't behave."

Heiji pouts while Kid lets out a sigh of release. The leaves go back into hyperspace, or wherever those things go when Kid sends them away. "Well now that that's over," Kid breaks out in the silence, "perhaps you can let us go?" He tugs meaningfully at his collar. Heiji catches the motion and rage blooms across his features. He lets loose a snarl. _He really is ADD. Or PMS-ing. No one should have that short an attention span._

"Yeah, I want out of this thing NOW!"

DireSphinx gives an apologetic smile to Heiji. "I'm sorry Heiji, but I can't. If I take the collar off of you, then I have to take the collar off of Kid. And you know what that means..."

They both direct their stares to Kaitou Kid, who jauntily shuffles a card deck and smiles. Heiji knows the answer, but he has to ask. "Kid, if she removes the collars, would you promise to behave?"

"I never make promises I don't intend to keep."

Heiji sighs. "So your inability to follow the rules and behave is going to get me killed?"

"Yep."

"And there's no way for me to get out of your punishment?"

"Right again."

"Okay, who designed this system?"

"The people at Microsoft." DireSphinx helpfully supplies.

Heiji stares. "That just figures." Kaitou lets loose a self-satisfied cackle. Heiji rounds on Kid and breaks into one of his rants.

"Out of everyone, you had to choose me? You couldn't choose Kudo, or Makoto, or some minor character? Why not Hakuba, that annoying uppity know-it-all? No one mourns the British – Japan would be a happier place without him. I'd be happier without him. And Makoto's only there for the fans to pair Sonoko up with. She's rich enough – she could find someone else. Why the hell me?"

Kaito graces Heiji with a shark grin. "No one would miss the village idiot."

"I-idiot! Who you callin an idiot thief?"

"The man with the stuttering vocabulary."

"St-Stuttering?...why I oughta..."

"You oughta? Tsk tsk tsk. That's not even proper grammar. No wonder everyone agrees you're at the lower end of the mental spectrum. I have it here on proper authority that an alarming number of readers view you as less than intellectually competent."

"Says who?"

"Says everyone who matters." Kaitou Kid opens up a web browser. Fanfiction dot net is proudly displayed on the screen. He beings to speak. "According to this schematic," a set of pretty charts pops up "the number of fics in which the main character (that's you Heiji) is made to be idiotic in direct correlation to the number of fics in which the main character is made to look sane is quite staggering." Kaitou takes his baton and points to the graph which displays the number of Crack!Heiji fics versus Sane!Heiji fics. Crack!Heiji fics trump Sane!Heiji two to one. "It's not just me. All these writers think you're an idiot."

Heiji stares at the graphs. "Is this some sick joke?"

"I assure you the graphs never lie. Cake however, is another story."

"Cake?"

"The cake is a lie."

"Right. And all your base are belong to us as well?"

"Exactly."

Heiji just shakes his head and looks back at the data on prominent display. He pokes the graphs with his bokken, hoping they're nothing more than pretty paper. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

"Why does everyone assume I'm an idiot?"

"Well, it's not like it's hard." _Did I say that out loud? _Looking at Kaitou Kid's Cheshire grin, DireSphinx mentally groans. _I did. Oh shit shit shit shit shit._

Heiji's jaw drops. "I can't believe you just said that!"

"I can't either."

"Well I can."

"Shut up Kaitou!""Shut up Kid!"

"Oh, what is this, pick on Kaitou Day? I thought it was Make Fun of Heiji and His Idiotic Tendencies Day."

"Kid, I'd shut up if I were you." Heiji's face was starting to turn an alarming shade of red.

"Why? It's not like he can hurt me. If he attacks me, he'll suffer the same fate as Tsukioka Sho. I'm safe."

"You know, I don't think Heiji's all that concerned with self-preservation." Both glance to the left at Heiji, who's sharpening his bokken.

"Aren't bokkens made of bamboo?" she asks Kid.

"...Yes."

"Then isn't he just making a lot of splinters? What's he gonna do, attack you with toothpicks?"

"Apparently. See? Mentally incompetent."

…

"I wonder why he's being so quiet."

"I know," Kid agrees. "It's kinda creepy."

"Think he's plotting something?"

"Without a doubt."

"Think I should stop him?"

"Please."

And with a double-click, Kaitou Kid is hanging down from the top edge fettered a la Spiderman. He attempts to break free from his sticky bonds. "What the – Hey! What's the meaning of this?"

Heiji looks up to DireSphinx. "Thanks. I owe ya."

"Anytime, Heiji-kun."

"You're in cahoots with this ahou?"

"Certainly. He doesn't try to sabotage my electronics."

Kid pulls out the puppy dog eyes. "What did I do wrong?" He pauses. "Okay, I know what I did wrong, but is what I've done wrong worth being slung upside down like a country ham?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"If I apologize, will you let me go?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

DireSphinx glances down at Heiji, who's back to sharpening his bokken. "Heiji, is it ready?"

"Just a sec...yep! All done!" He holds aloft the mutilated bokken.

"What are you doing to do with that?" Kid asks.

The lady smirks. "Well you see, I have this theory..."

"Oh kami-sama, not another one."

"Hush." She pokes him in the arm with her cursor. Cards fall to the ground left and right. "In every situation you encounter, you always have some trick up your sleeve which allows you to save the day."

"Well of course I do. I'm the hero."

Heiji snorts. DireSphinx muffles a smile. _Righttttttt. _"Well, as the 'hero' you must have a lot of gadgets and gizmos stashed away if you're prepared for anything."

"Yeah...Like the Boy Scouts, I like to 'Be Prepared.'"

"So if you have all these magic tricks and cool weapons on your person, you must also have candy!"

"...What?"

"You know, candy? Chocolate, gummies, caramels, taffy, jellybeans, candy bars, jawbreakers, tart and sour, teeth-rottingly sweet, the whole nine yards? That sweet sugary goodness kids can't get enough of? Candy!"

"I know candy. But why would I have it on me?"

"You're prepared for every situation right?"

"...yes?"

"Then what happens if you're caught in the cross hairs of a birthday party?" _Or stuck in an airport terminal with minimal funds? _"Think about it. What, or where, does candy come from?"

"The candy fairy?"

_I wish. _"Consider your position. Consider it very carefully."

Kid looks at DireSphinx like she's crazy (_which I probably am after a five-hour flight delay) _then to the bokken in Heiji's eager hands. Then at his precarious position hanging from the top of the screen. Horrified comprehension blossoms across his poker face. "...NO..."

"Oh yes. Heiji, remember the blindfold." He pulls out a handkerchief from his back pocket and happily ties it across his eyes. Then with bokken in hand, assumes the batting position.

"On my mark Heiji. One...Two..."

"I AM NOT A PINATA!!!!"

_You are today Kid. _

Heiji lifts up one edge of his blindfold. "Lady, you are recording this right?"

"Of course Heiji-kun. An event this momentous has to be recorded for future posterity."

Kaitou 1412 wriggles back and forth in a vain attempt at dislodgement. "This is cruel and unusual punishment!"

"No, cruel and unusual punishment would be if you were only filled with black licorice. Ugh, I hate that stuff."

"You won't get away with this!" screams Kid for all he's worth. _Good thing I remembered the headphones halfway through. That might have actually been heard by someone._

"Heiji, you plan on ratting us out?"

"Nope."

"Then I think we're good on this end. Besides, who'd believe the word of a thief?"

"Traitors!"

"...to a thief? Is there such a thing?" she asks Heiji.

"Not that I'm aware of." We both nod and turn to the thief.

Kaitou Kid is at an utter loss. He shifts his pleading face from DireSphinx to Heiji, hoping for some small grain of mercy. Seeing none, he sighs and whimpers in a pitifully sad voice, "Just put me out of my misery."

"With pleasure."

WHACK!

"Ooooh, 100 Grand Bars!" Two or three actually fall out of the screen into DireSphinx's lap. She eagerly snatches one up and voraciously attacks the packaging. _Chocolate! And I didn't have to pay a dime! Wonder if Alan can write a callback loop to reroute Kid when that time of the month rolls around..._

Heiji nudges the pile of sugary goodness with one sneakered toe. "Candy bars named for large amounts of cash? Makes sense – he is a thief."

"True." DireSphinx waves a hand to the candy mound. "Chocolate bar Heiji?"

"Nah, I'm lactose-intolerant."

"You poor dear."

"I know."

"What about me?!?"

"What about you?"

"You hit me! You hit me and made me bleed chocolate! How could you hit me? And why isn't Heiji dead yet? Doesn't this violate the Kidproof program?"

"Ah, but that only applies to attacks against my computer or myself. There is no stipulation against one manga character attacking another."

"That's not fair! I'm calling my lawyer!"

"If I give you a candy bar will you forget this ever happened?"

"You think you can bribe the Kaitou Kid?"

"It's 100 Grand."

"Gimme!" Kid starts violently swinging from his trap in a futile effort to get closer to the chocolate bar dangling just out of reach in Heiji's hand. _I think he's having a little too much fun taunting Kid._

"Well, that was easy." _Who knew all you had to do to get Kid off your back was offer him chocolate? _

Heiji's not quite convinced. "Should we have given him sugar?" Watching Kid bounce off the edges of the screen in a post-orgasmic chocolate high, DireSphinx shrugs.

"It doesn't matter what we do to him – his collar's on a timer. In approximately fifteen seconds he'll be sent off to sara-chan's instant messenger address."

"That's _evil_."

"I know. More chocolate?"

"Lactose-_intolerant_."

"Oh yeah, sorry." DireSphinx looks at Kaito inhaling the chocolate bars. "...does this count as a case of cannibalism?"

* * *

Think about it: If a pinata bursts and eats the candy that falls out, isn't that cannibalism?

And with that thought, DireSphinx bids you goodnight.


	3. Protest

Because I am now officially in love with Kaito and Conan. Well, my versions of Kaito and Conan.

Sorry I've been gone for a while, but I had summer classes and then a month long visit to grandparents with no internet access. Then moving into a new apartment. Haven't really had a chance to be active here. But hopefully this little ditty makes up for it. And Jun-chan, I hereby dedicate this bit of insanity to you. It's no dance number, but the crack should make up for that.

Warning: CRACK. PURE AND TOTAL CRACK UP AHEAD. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

* * *

DireSphinx flopped down on the guest bed in her grandparent's lake house. After preparing a beef stir-fry and rice dinner followed by caramel apple tartlets for dessert, then cleaning up the kitchen, she was ready for some good old me time. Not that helping out at her grandparents for the summer was a bad thing or even arduous, but sometimes a girl just needs a little alone time. She pulled the feather pillow over her head. _Ah, perfect..._

…

…

_...okay, who's playing Bob Seger? How am I supposed to relax with 'Born in the USA' running through my head?_ Looking out from under her pillowy confines, DireSphinx searched for the source of her disruption. _Nothing to the right, nothing to the lef..._

She blinked once. Twice. Then DireSphinx started to cackle. Emerging from under her pillow, she turned to the desk holding her laptop with wide eyes and a grin the size of Cleveland. _Oh My God._ The cackle turned into a full-fledged belly laugh. _That's __**perfect.**_

Kaitou Kid glared out upon the form of DireSphinx one inch away from falling off the bed. "You know, most people don't laugh at protesters."

She looked towards the screen and fell flat on her back cracking up. Unbeknown to DireSphinx (_Really?_), Kid rolled his eyes. "I should have known you'd react like this. Organize an official protest and she thinks it's hilarious. What, do I have to die to make you take me seriously?" He smacked his forehead and glared at the cackling brunette. "Oh wait, you've already friggin done that! When I was about to propose! Propose, woman! What is wrong with you?"

"It was the caterpillars – blame the caterpillars!" she cried out between her chuckles.

Kid attempted to scorch DireSphinx with the full force of his glare. "You know, it's not nice to blame other people for your own wrongdoings."

"It wasn't wrong, it was art," she giggled.

"Killing me is art?"

"In certain cultures, yes." More choked-up giggling.

"What sort of cultures are you a member of?" he hesitatingly questioned.

"I'll tell you when I figure it out."

_See Kid pout. Aww, doesn't he look cute? _"I don't like you."

"I know. And I love you," she spit out between her laughter.

"Huh?" Kid raised his head in confusion. "I hate you and you love me? Are you bipolar or something?"

"No, it's not anything you did. It's just this is so wonderful and amazing and oh god, words escape me that I can't help but love you for it."

"The protest? Because I did organize this." He holds up his **Down with DireSphinx!** sign.

"Gods no." She dismisses his efforts with a wave of her hand. "Who cares about your rinky dink protest? It's - "

"Rinky dink? Rinky dink!" Kid is highly affronted. He shakes his sign at her smirking facade. "This Kaitou Kid does not do rinky dink!"

_**This**__ Kaitou Kid? Who do you think you are, Sesshoumaru or something?_ DireSphinx gives Kid a look. "Kid, there's you, a handmade sign, and Him. That's pretty rinky dink. But He totally makes up for your lackluster campaign."

Kid looks back to his partner-in-crime. "What, Conan? What's so special about the dweeb?"

DireSphinx looks at Kid like he's crazy. _Which he is_. "Are you blind? He's fantastic! Brilliant! Awe-inspiring! Wonderful! Amazing! ...Can I keep Him?"

"Huh?" Kid scratches his hat and looks back at the economy-sized detective. Eying him up and down like a piece of meat, _Don't think I didn't see that Kid. Yaoi fangirls eat your hearts out._, his eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. "...I don't get it. What's the appeal?"

"Look at Him!" DireSphinx all but shouts back.

"I am! What's so great about him?" Kid replies in the same tone.

"Tell me He's not the cutest thing you've ever seen."

"Um, he's not the cutest thing I've ever seen...?"

DireSphinx jumps up on the bed and towers over her laptop, one accusing finger pointing at Kid. "Liar!! You lie! You lie, you lie, you lie! How dare you blasphemy against His supreme awesomeness!"

Kid's inching away into the background. "You know, I think you should go lie down for a while. I'll come back some other time to protest..." One gloved hand latches onto Conan's collar. "See you later?"

_Oh no you're not!_ DireSphinx lunges for her laptop. "NO! You can't run and take Him with you!"

"Why not?"

"He's everything I've ever wanted and more!"

Zig-zaggy lines flash along the edges of the screen. DireSphinx and Kid both pause. She speaks first. "Kid, what was that?"

"My Kaitou senses."

"...Your what?"

He grimaces. "You know, my cop radar, my get the hell out of Dodge now instincts, the inner thief that lets me know when to save my sorry hide. The Kaitou senses."

DireSphinx digests his words. Ponders them. Then her Saturday morning cartoons inner child speaks out without her consent. "You're like Spiderman!"

His mouth gapes open and closed for several amusing seconds before he can reign himself in enough to sputter, "No I'm not!"

She sagely nods her head to the idea. "You did have the flashing lines warning you of danger. Just like Spiderman." A smirk breaks out on her face. "Are your kaitou senses tingling?"

Kid refuses to rise to the bait. "You know, I think I'll just shut up now. Come on Conan, time to go."

"Hey wait a minute! You can't leave!"

"The kaitou senses never lie. There is danger afoot and I for one do not want to suffer at the hands of you."

"Well, could you leave Him at least?"

"I don't think I should leave him here with you. You're kinda scary right now. No offense."

"None taken. It's just my dormant fangirl kicking in."

"I never thought you were a fangirl for Conan."

"I'm not. Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Oh, I don't know, how about the random screaming and squealing over the pipsqueak?"

"Well, I'm not going gaga over _him_."

"Then what are you so excited about?"

"Him!!!"

Kid crosses his arms. "Now wait a minute. You just said you weren't all happy about Conan. Then you said you were happy about Conan. Which is it?"

DireSphinx sits down to explain. "Kid, have you taken a look at Him?"

"Yes."

"Notice anything?"

"Nope, he's still the same annoying brat."

"What about the scarves?"

"What about them?"

"They're perfect!"

"The scarves?"

"No silly, Him!"

"Okay, you'll have to explain this to me again because I have no idea what's going on in that warped mind of yours."

"Look, see Conan?"

"Yes..."

"See the scarves you bound him with so he can't get away?"

"Yes..."

"See the **Fire Dire!** sign sticking out from behind his back?"

"Yes..."

"See the glare he's directing at us from behind the gag?"

"Yes..."

"That's it."

"What's it?"

"That."

"That?"

"That."

"...You mean to tell me I've been upstaged by a trussed up seven year old?"

Vigorous nodding.

"...Why?"

DireSphinx's eyes go all anime and sparkly and her voice reaches that annoyingly high pitch only squealing fangirls can achieve. "Look at Him! He's so cute and kawaii and the scarves and the fidgeting from side to side with the muffled squeaks coming out and the glaring eyes with the sign and the mussed up hair and AWWWWWWWW, I need to huggle Him! I just wanna hug Him and squeeze Him and love Him and name Him George because He's so cute!"

Kid removes his hands from over his ears and shakes his head to get the ringing sound rattling in his cranium. A frosty glare is directed towards the insanely peppy fangirl. Her smile kicks up another 100 kilowatts. _Note: High pitched noises annoy and bother phantom thieves. Develop way to use this against Kid. End note._

Kid is sadly still trying to make sense of the situation. "A bound Conan is cute? Kami-sama above, you must have a disturbing mindset. Never pegged you as the bondage type. Also, George?"

"It's an Elmira expression."

"I don't think George was part of her rant."

DireSphinx huffily retorts. "What do you know? You're a Japanese anime. How would you know _Tiny Toons_?"

"I know there's no George," he pointedly remarks.

"Shush. You're scaring George." She turns concerned eyes on the midget in the background who appears to be trembling.

"No, that would be you."

She dismisses Kid's words and turns her full attention on the object of her affections, softening her tone to sooth the freaked out boy. "Oh, it's okay George. We'll be good friends. We'll go for walks, play Frisbee in the park, watch scary movies. I'll treat you nice, pet you, feed you and I'll never, ever let you go. Doesn't that sound fun?" DireSphinx runs her cursor over Conan's nose. "See, I'll even scratch your nose!"

Kid snatches the cursor away before DireSphinx can pet Conan anywhere else. "I think I speak on George's behalf when I say WTF?"

"What?"

_I think Kid's gonna need some eye drops after this. His eyes seem to be constantly bulging out of their sockets._ "You see nothing wrong with this?"

"With what? George? Because he's absolutely cute and precious and he's my precious. My precioussssssss." DireSphinx wriggles her fingers in a mad scientist display.

Kid shivers. "You just did an eerily accurate Gollum impression. I think it's time to say goodbye." With that, he slings Conan over his shoulder and runs for screen left.

DireSphinx makes a mad grab for her laptop, swinging it to the right and throwing the two characters back to the middle of the screen. "You cannot have my precioussssss!" she hisses.

Kid looks down at Conan's gagged head. "Precious, do you want to stay with the crazy fanfic lady?"

Vigorous shaking of the head.

She points her finger at Conan. "He lies!"

"I don't think so. George, it's time to go home." _George_ gives an indignant squawk at the name change.

DireSphinx smirks at Kid. "You're gonna call him George from now on, aren't you."

He grins. "Oh definitely. Some things are just too good to pass up. Thanks for that, crazy lady."

"Anytime Kid." Raising her hand to her chin she contemplates her adversary. "Think you might be thankful enough to leave him with me?"

"I'm not that thankful."

_Darn, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this. _"Minion Roboto, implement program Kidproof."

Nothing happens.

"Why isn't it working?!"

Kid looks up from tightening a few of George's more colorful restraints. "That would be Akako."

"Akako can stop computer programs?" _Really?_

"She is a witch."

"But what do witches have to do with computers? That makes no sense." _I thought magic and __technology couldn't mix...didn't Harry Potter teach us that if anything?_

"_Witch._"

"Still doesn't make sense."

"You try telling that to Akako."

_Eek._ DireSphinx shudders. "I'd rather not. The last time she came through here she kept pestering me about the whereabouts of her sex slave. I hope you don't mind if I directed her to Hakuba instead of you."

"Not at all. Feel free to keep her as far away from me as possible."

"Yeah, I figured you wouldn't like her cosplay ideas. You might be a master of disguise, but I believe even you have your limits."

Kid winced. "How bad was it?"

"There are some things I don't need to see in this world. Hakuba in Rocky Horror drag is one of them."

Kid eye's widen beneath his top hat. Then he blanches. _Heh, now his face matches his suit. _"Thanks. Now I need to wash my mind out with bleach. Ugh, something I did not need to imagine. You do realize that will now feature in my nightmares, right?"

She nods. "If I have to suffer, so do you."

"But on the other hand, this is prime blackmail material. Mind if I tease him?"

DireSphinx's eyebrows rise. "You think I haven't?"

He smirks. "I like the way you think."

"Except when it comes to George?"

"Except when it comes to George."

"Pretty please?" DireSphinx gives Kid her best pout. _Come on, how can you say no to the pouty face?_

"Nope."

_Dammit. _"Could I bribe you into my way of thinking on the subject of George?"

"What type of bribe?"

_Hmmm..._"What'll it take?"

"Well, he is my arch rival, the Holmes to my Lupin, the yin to my yang. My intellectual equal, you could say. I can't just give him away. I'd need at least two candy bars."

Indignant squawking emerges in the background, but the two negotiators pay him no mind.

DireSphinx looks around the room. "I have a Twix, half a thing of Starbursts, and an almost full bag of Raspberry Milano cookies. Would that work?"

Kid considers the deal. "You can have five minutes." Conan squeaks in alarm.

_Joy!_

"Have fun George!" Kid tosses Conan to the foreground while he makes for the Firefox web browser. _Not that that will do him any good. No internet access here!_

_..._

_...but then how did they show up? _Kid prepares to dive head first into the mini-globe. She catches him with her cursor before he can a) get away and/or b) hurt himself because the orange fox on the icon has started growling, and that thing's got some pretty sharp-looking teeth. Kid's dragged back to sit beside her new beloved George.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Um, far away?" Kid replies like the answer should be obvious. "I thought it would be best if I stepped out so I wouldn't be considered an accessory to whatever illegal and immortal events that are bound to ensue."

_Illegal and immoral! _"Hey, I'm crazy not a criminal! And isn't that a bit like the pot calling the kettle black?"

"I only steal. I'd rather not add torture to the list."

"So teasing's considered torture these days? Man, then that means my mom's gonna be put away for life without parole."

"Teasing?" His ears perk up.

"Well sure. What did you think I was gonna do with him?"

Kid puts his gloved hands over Conan's ears and tells DireSphinx his thoughts. Her jaw drops.

"Ack! Ack ack ack! When you're done washing your mind out with bleach, pass it over so I can clean out my ears. Ack! That's just wrong. Wrong!"

"Well, what else was I supposed to think?"

"I don't know, but not that! Ack!"

"I think you've said Ack already."

"Well I'm gonna say it again. Ack! Ack ack ack!"

"Done yet?"

"Almost. Ack! ...Okay, now I think I'm done."

"That many Acks?"

"It was a dirty, dirty idea."

"I can't help it if Hakuba's corrupted me. Do you have any idea the thoughts running rampant through that repressed Brit's mind?" Kid leans over to Conan. "Oh FYI, if he ever comes near you with a pineapple and a box of blue Legos, run. Run like the wind."

DireSphinx and Conan's eyes grow wide, but for entirely different reasons. "Hakuba?" she almost reverently whispers.

"He comes out with the filthiest schemes when he's drunk."

"_Hakuba?!_"

"Yeah, who knew?"

"Man, that must be a trip. And what can he do with a pineapple and blue Legos?"

Kid shudders. "You don't wanna know."

"Oh, I think I do."

"No really, you don't. The first rule of the blue Legos is you don't talk about the blue Legos."

DireSphinx tilts her head to the side. "...are you mocking Fight Club?"

"You don't talk about the blue Legos."

"Oooookay, new topic. Let's see..." _Hmmm, what was I gonna do again? Oh yeah..._ DireSphinx smirks and oh so innocently asks, "Is Ran a good kisser?"

Kid blinks. "What?"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, where would you rank Ran's kissing abilities? Does she get you all hot and bothered, or is just so-so?"

"...Why are you asking me?"

"Considering the amount of times you've cosplayed as Shinichi, surely you've had a few hot and heavy moments with the karate champ."

"First off, it's disguise, not cosplay. Cosplay's for amateurs. I am not an amateur. Therefore, I do no cosplay. And secondly, how the hell do you know about that?! I thought I'd convinced Ran to keep that a secret!"

_Oh, if looks could kill...thank you Kid. Really, truly, thank you. _

Dragging her eyes away from a near murderous George, DireSphinx cheekily replies, "Well, let's just say a little bird told me."

"Oh?" Kid raises an eyebrow. "This bird got a name?"

"Birdy."

Kid frowns. "A real name?"

"Birdy McBirdson."

"That's not helpful."

"I'm not trying to be. So you and Ran huh? How is she?" Growling issues forth from the hindered captive.

"Ah, she's okay. Soft lips, enthusiasm in spades, but she needs more practice. Her and Kazuha both."

The growling abruptly cuts off. Two sets of eyes blink in unison. "Kazuha?"

"Yeah, she's nice and all but she doesn't know the difference between nibbling and biting the lower lip. Now Akako...Akako's got the hot and heavy down, but she's just too pushy. When I kiss, I like to be the one in charge."

_Okay, this is slightly disturbing._ Valiantly continuing onwards, DireSphinx asks, "Anyone else?"

"Well, there's Sonoko, but I don't really count Sonoko. Kissing her feels like kissing my grandmother."

_Oh poor Sonoko..._"What about Aoko?"

"What about her?"

"You've kissed everyone else, but you haven't kissed her?"

"Are you nuts? Of course I've kissed Aoko! I'd be crazy not to!"

"Well Kaitou Kid is crazy..."

"Oh ha ha. Real funny."

"I try. So, how is she?"

"How is who?"

"Aoko."

"Well, last I saw her she was fine and wearing blue panties with pink polka dots. Mmmm, polka dots..."

"Kid, you're avoiding the question."

"I plead the fifth."

"Why?"

"Because there are impressionable children in the..." Kid trails off. Hesitatingly, he dares to glance beside him to the malignant aura that is Conan. A softly muttered "oh shit" is the only printable curse word to pass his lips.

DireSphinx can only smirk. _I was wondering when he'd remember Conan._

"Forgot he was there, did you?"

Kid hasn't quite finished cursing yet. He continues for a good five minutes more. Conan's murderous rage shifts slightly to awe at the profanic speech. DireSphinx can't say she blames him. _Really, lip gloss, the Eiffel Tower, and a hamster? And here I thought Nakamori was creative. _But all good things must come to an end eventually, and with a few short phrases that cannot in good conscience be put to print, Kid falls quiet. Silence descends on the trio. DireSphinx dares to break the ice.

"Wow."

Kid just rolls his eyes. "Oh really, that's all you have to say?"

"I'm still trying to take it all in."

He grins. "I always know how to leave 'em speechless." The growling starts back up. Kid dares to glance beside him, and ever so obviously slides to the side. "Except where you are concerned, my fine fettered friend." He tips his hat to his captive companion. His companion only increases his animalistic growls.

Kid swallows. "Okay, I think I should take that as my cue to leave. Ta ta crazy lady, George." With a showman's bow to both her and Conan, the magician disappears in a fog of pink smoke, his monocle and smile the last to fade away. _Must have been taking lessons from the Cheshire Cat._

Down one thief, boy and girl are left to consider their options. Boy stares at Girl. Girl stares at Boy. Boy blances. Girl smirks. _Oh, this'll be fun... _

Girl reaches for Boy with her cursor.

Boy disappears.

"Your five minutes are up!" an annoyingly familiar voice announces through her speakers.

"Hey! We were about to have fun!"

"You snooze you lose!"

DireSphinx huffs in annoyance and crosses her arms, a petulant expression on her face. _And just when we were about to get to the good stuff. Darn it. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity wasted, gone forever. Stupid Kid. But at least I got to see George. Ah, George. *Sigh* If only I'd had a camera..._

...Fifteen seconds later...

DireSphinx smacks her head. "Dammit! I could've taken a screenshot!" Muttering angry curses to herself, DireSphinx pulls the pillow back over her head. _This just isn't my night..._

The next morning DireSphinx wakes up with the vague sensation that something terribly, terribly wrong has occurred. Something to do with scarves, a sign, and someone named George? She looks down to the packet of cookies she'd been eating the night before. _Hmm, good until January 4__th__, 2008? That would explain it._ Humming 'Born in the USA' DireSphinx walks out of the room in search of breakfast, deaf to the snide snickering issuing from her speakers.

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Okay, DireSphinx begging here. Somebody draw me a picture of George! I need his captive awesomeness for my wallpaper! Please?


End file.
